Tips For Landing a Job

Over the last month...ok, for the last 2 years...ARE YOU HAPPY!?!?!?! I'VE BEEN TRYING TO FIND WORK FOR 2 GOD DAMN YEARS!!! GIMME A BREAK!!!

Over the last couple of years I, David "the Steamboat" Single, have been trying to find work in a facet of the "working" world that will have me and my "skills." These skills include things such as opening beer bottles with lighters, pounding shots of tequila, blowing cigarette smoke out of my nose, french inhaling, sweating like there's no tomorrow, hiding food in my beard, being uber-confident at beer pong all the while sucking immensely, and an assortment of other fine qualities being undervalued in this recession.

Needless to say it's been a difficult couple of years. I've cried so many times my neighbors thought I was woman...an abused woman. But this is no time to get down in the dumps. The light is just around the tunnel and there are few things that I've learned while on this jobless job hunt in the driest of dries. Here are some key points that will most certainly be of service if and when you need to find work:

1)Look everywhere and beyond. Websites and job sites are overrated. Try looking the unconventional ways; corner stores, drug dealers, local crack addicts, bar tenders, subways, school yards, etc. You never know where the next buck may lay. I was recently offered a job as a drug delivery man simply because I bought a boulder (for you squares that means $20 worth of crack. Don't worry I'm kinda a square too...I actually had to ask the dealer what it was).

2) Interviewers will ask the dumbest questions so be ready for them here's a list of them and how NOT to answer them:

• Tell me about yourself - Well, I'm 27 and have lived at home for most of my life. I wet the bed till I was 16 so that's probably why I have low self esteem when it comes to satisfying women. I've been arrested more times than you can count. I guess you can say I'm an over achiever. I usually sleep in till about noon but sometimes I go till 3 if it's been a rough night of partying. If given the opportunity to come abroad...oh snaps, i said "come a broad"...yeah, so hire me. I'm a changed man
• What are 3 of your weaknesses - (this is the curve ball since most people ask for your strengths) Well, since I'm an over achiever I'll tell you have I have more than 3 weaknesses. I'm lazy, a bad speller, really unorganized when it comes to finances and paper work, have a weakness for brunettes...and blondes, asians, red heads, and sometimes gingers, alcohol is my best friend and my worst enemy, I once binged for 83 hours straight...ALL WHILE AT WORK, and I have this odor problem but that's mostly when I fart.
• I see you've jumped around a lot, explain: Well, you see I hated most of my jobs for obvious reasons. The most important being that I hate work but you guys seem to have a lot of money so I might work hard enough to go unnoticed. So I'll pretty much leave it at that.
• So you said you have attention to detail but I noticed there was an error on your resume, explain: Oh yeah, that was a result of ...FUCK, IT WAS ONE MISTAKE. YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU DON'T MAKE MISTAKES!?!?! can you call my mom to pick me up. I'm tired and I think I need some clean pants.

Now that we've established what not to do here is a list of things TO do:

lie. lie through your gums. lie through the whites of your eyes. lie through the whites of your nails. tell them you know MS, PC, MAC, STD's, HIV, C++, ACT, BVD, DVR, QVC, TBS, MSNBC, FTP, AVD, and any other ABC's you've heard. But whatever you do NOT tell them about that time in Cancun where the girl said she wanted it in the pool but then said the opposite in the courthouse. just lie. And if you don't pass their little test then you probably fucked up somewhere. Because lying gets you everywhere in this world.

good luck with the job hunt and remember a motto to live by "if you tell the truth...make sure it's someone else's truth and not yours"

I'm off to go harpooning whales with some friend on our yacht made of gold encrusted diamond dolphin vagina. Au Revoir!