Doggie Torture: It's worse than you thought

what kind of sick animal would let their dog go through this torture. Sure, you thought it was cute for the first 15 seconds but at what point do you think "i wonder if this is the same kind of shit Hitler or Damer did with their french bulldog." Probably not because last time I checked they didn't torture any animals! Michael Vick looks like a florist next to this jerk.

It appears there's been a string of these cute puppy videos polluting the internet for quite some time. However, the culprit is still at large due to an unbreakable code of communication. This code language is all over the videos description and title. I hope these sick little fuckers are brought to justice.

yo, but seriously, Isn't it really cute for the first 15 secs (no homo!). What a dumb dog! Of course he's french, they love rolling over on their backs (stephane, i apologize). Normally it doesn't last 59 secs...it's usally for about 50 years and counting (again, i apologize but only to Stephane). Really cute.

No dice on the open mic

I tried performing at 3 open mics tonight. let's just say my lucks run out. I was on my way to the first and could not figure out how to get there. After making about 3 circles around union square I figured it was too late but not before I fucked with someone's game of quarters. I caused some dude to lose some money is all I can tell. I thought I was stopping a quarter from rolling and it turned out that was not a good thing.

The second one I was able to call ahead and as it turned out was cancelled for the night. So i saved myself the trip.

The third, I trekked all the way to 33rd and 5th only to get there and realize it had also been cancelled but since they had no contact info I found out the hard way.

This town is drier than a 104 yr old woman.

I can only say that I got a nice walk out of it. I hope tomorrow night is better. I really would like to make people NOT laugh. It would be a dream.

Animals cameras more important than AIDs

This is some really wierd, interesting, boring shit. It's small video cameras that were mounted on the back of various animals by the Museum of Animal Perspectives (MAP's...So that's what the Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs were screaming about in there song). The most worthless one is the house fly cam. It lasts a whole 7 seconds and the fly moves a good 3 inches.

What I can't understand is how this camera is small enough to fit on the back of a fly yet we still can't seem to create a phone that beats the crap out of the IPhone. Or maybe someday we can just focus on curing something important like AIDs or that thing that causes yellow armpit stains on your shirts, it's really fucking with my wardrobe. I guess for now these critters and their little cameras are a just a tad more important than some dude with aids, unless you're Magic Johnson.

Btw, this armidillo one is pretty neat too. Oh, and to answer your earlier question 'yes, i'm unemployed'

note: Magic Johnson has HIV not AIDs but I was trying to prove a point; Armpit stains are more important than AIDs and animal cameras are waay more important than either AIDs or pit stains.

My thoughts, observations, and experiences of NYC

Here are my thoughts, experiences, and observations of the big apple (that's New York City)

1. New York is huge. I thought downtown LA was urban...that's like saying Brad Pitt is the hottest looking guy on the planet and then seeing a picture of me...you never knew such beauty existed.
2. The subways are incredible, very hot while waiting, nice and cool once inside, don't stare at anyone for longer than 1/2 a second, always just stare at the ground or the posters, and know where you are going but don't be afraid to ask (people aren't that mean).
3. My suitcase burst open on the subway my first week here. I was couch surfing and was switching to a friends place in East Village (Thank you, Matt!) so I had to take the train into the city. It was hot, i was lugging this thing around, and just as the train pulled up it burst open. I was a mess, sweating my ass off in embarrassment. Thankfully some dude (def native new yorker) was nice enough to help me load it onto the train so as not to miss the train.
4. Space is king but so is location. You have to sacrifice one for the other...or if you're lucky (like i think my roommate and i got) you can have a little bit from each world.
5. There are taxi's, there are unmarked cars, and then there are "unmarked cars"...the latter is shady and you should stay away. Prices will always vary and you should now how to get to a place before you get taken for a ride but that only matters on a taxi since the other 2 are usually flat prices. You negotiate before you get in the cab. like, "how much to get to broadway and marcy...$895.00? Go fuck yourself" (no exclamation point because you say it nicely).
6. There are tons, and i mean tons of mexican restaurants....they all suck. Taco Bites in Brooklyn on S. 4th and Rodney is amazing and reasonable. It's not very popular but some group of friends out here are trying to promote the shit out of it. We sat and enjoyed some cervezas, tacos, and live mariachi last week on Friday night that attracted enough people to completely fill the place. it was nice.
7. Brooklyn is cheaper than the city. If you try hard enough you can definitely spend $10 and get completely shit faced. The Metal Bar in Greenpoint (Brooklyn) is a perfect example with there $1.50 beers.
   
8. Don't look up while you walk around it makes you look like a tourist (so i've been told but im too busy looking up).
9. Walk confidently...like you know where you're going. Be ready to truck people over if they are in your way.
10. J-walking is totally legal and totally awesome. just make sure you look both ways...really you only need to look one way since there are tons of one way streets but its just natural as non-native to look both ways.
11. Williamsburg is hispter haven. It feels like being in San Francisco when the hippes took over...the scene is just everywhere. Mass amounts of people dressed like morons.
12. Hipsters don't sweat that would be so main stream to sweat. I totally sweat and fucking hate them for not sweating. you smug assholes!
13. Dominican and Puerto Rican spanish is way different and hard to understand. It's got a slang and speed to it that doesn't allow me to comprehend.
14. Italian women from italy don't shave their armpits. i was at rooftop party in brooklyn the other night and this italian bird kept putting up her hair (on her head) completely exposing her armpit hair...the weird thing is I may have been mildly into it and then I punched myself in the nuts.
15. Only people that are interviewing for jobs wear suits on Friday during the summer. Makes you think if all companies got together and decided to have their interviews on Friday to make us look like monkeys.
16. A lot of companies have "Summer Fridays" which means people leave work on Friday's at 3 or 4pm only until Sept. 4th.
17. Cigarettes are expensive. 9 to 10 bucks.
18. Don't order an Arnold Palmer. You sound like a prick. especiallly after you explain it to the server and they still don't get you. Just order a orange soda and shut the fuck up. ok?
19. According to the lady that fucked up my breakfast order twice (ordered: egg whites w/ wheat toast. got: reg eggs w/ white toast. ordered: egg bagel w/ turkey bacon. got: egg bagel w/ ham) dominicans are to haircutting what kenyans are to running. I asked the cute girl at the counter where I can get a haircut, assuming she would recommend a place in williamsburg, she recommended we ask the kitchen lady who then suggested the guys across the street. When I asked if they would butcher my hair her response was priceless: "They're dominicans...". She said it in such a are-you-kidding-me-they-cut-the-best-hair tone.
20. Dry cleaning lingo: "Ready on Wed at 5pm" translation "Ready on Friday 2 hours after you come in to let us know you want your clothes"
21. If you're hanging out in the city for happy hour the standard dress code for men is a button-up dress shirt. Anything less is uncivilized.
22. Carry an umbrella if you think it's gonna rain.
23. I went to an open mic the other day just to check out the scene. I went to the little boys room and when i got back i had basically missed 8 minutes of a cute blondie standing up on stage with her boobs out. I'm such an idiot. thanks bladder.
24. I have not done comedy but that's only because I've been too worried about jobs and find a place. once that's settled i'll treat myself. I plan on doing a couple this week since I'm close to getting work. I'll keep you posted
25. Pizza is awesome. especially the Sicilian slices.
26. Chinese food so far has been for shit. i need to go to chinatown.
27. Cuban/Dominican food is bomb.
28. Tap water is good.
29. Jogging is a good way to get in the view. Just run around and explore.
30. Partying till 4am is fun up until you wake up the next morning.

Tips For Landing a Job

Over the last month...ok, for the last 2 years...ARE YOU HAPPY!?!?!?! I'VE BEEN TRYING TO FIND WORK FOR 2 GOD DAMN YEARS!!! GIMME A BREAK!!!

Over the last couple of years I, David "the Steamboat" Single, have been trying to find work in a facet of the "working" world that will have me and my "skills." These skills include things such as opening beer bottles with lighters, pounding shots of tequila, blowing cigarette smoke out of my nose, french inhaling, sweating like there's no tomorrow, hiding food in my beard, being uber-confident at beer pong all the while sucking immensely, and an assortment of other fine qualities being undervalued in this recession.

Needless to say it's been a difficult couple of years. I've cried so many times my neighbors thought I was woman...an abused woman. But this is no time to get down in the dumps. The light is just around the tunnel and there are few things that I've learned while on this jobless job hunt in the driest of dries. Here are some key points that will most certainly be of service if and when you need to find work:

1)Look everywhere and beyond. Websites and job sites are overrated. Try looking the unconventional ways; corner stores, drug dealers, local crack addicts, bar tenders, subways, school yards, etc. You never know where the next buck may lay. I was recently offered a job as a drug delivery man simply because I bought a boulder (for you squares that means $20 worth of crack. Don't worry I'm kinda a square too...I actually had to ask the dealer what it was).

2) Interviewers will ask the dumbest questions so be ready for them here's a list of them and how NOT to answer them:

• Tell me about yourself - Well, I'm 27 and have lived at home for most of my life. I wet the bed till I was 16 so that's probably why I have low self esteem when it comes to satisfying women. I've been arrested more times than you can count. I guess you can say I'm an over achiever. I usually sleep in till about noon but sometimes I go till 3 if it's been a rough night of partying. If given the opportunity to come abroad...oh snaps, i said "come a broad"...yeah, so hire me. I'm a changed man
• What are 3 of your weaknesses - (this is the curve ball since most people ask for your strengths) Well, since I'm an over achiever I'll tell you have I have more than 3 weaknesses. I'm lazy, a bad speller, really unorganized when it comes to finances and paper work, have a weakness for brunettes...and blondes, asians, red heads, and sometimes gingers, alcohol is my best friend and my worst enemy, I once binged for 83 hours straight...ALL WHILE AT WORK, and I have this odor problem but that's mostly when I fart.
• I see you've jumped around a lot, explain: Well, you see I hated most of my jobs for obvious reasons. The most important being that I hate work but you guys seem to have a lot of money so I might work hard enough to go unnoticed. So I'll pretty much leave it at that.
• So you said you have attention to detail but I noticed there was an error on your resume, explain: Oh yeah, that was a result of ...FUCK, IT WAS ONE MISTAKE. YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU DON'T MAKE MISTAKES!?!?! can you call my mom to pick me up. I'm tired and I think I need some clean pants.

Now that we've established what not to do here is a list of things TO do:

lie. lie through your gums. lie through the whites of your eyes. lie through the whites of your nails. tell them you know MS, PC, MAC, STD's, HIV, C++, ACT, BVD, DVR, QVC, TBS, MSNBC, FTP, AVD, and any other ABC's you've heard. But whatever you do NOT tell them about that time in Cancun where the girl said she wanted it in the pool but then said the opposite in the courthouse. just lie. And if you don't pass their little test then you probably fucked up somewhere. Because lying gets you everywhere in this world.

good luck with the job hunt and remember a motto to live by "if you tell the truth...make sure it's someone else's truth and not yours"

I'm off to go harpooning whales with some friend on our yacht made of gold encrusted diamond dolphin vagina. Au Revoir!

work, tricks...same difference

These past couple of days I've spent some time looking for jobs in NYC since I'm moving there in a couple of weeks. It's a bit frustrating at times because I have no real skills that jump out and beat the crap out of other candidates. I mean there was the one time I beat up 10 bodybuilders for staring at my girlfriend but that's not really a skill as much as it is adrenaline...and a lie. You start asking yourself am I really good at stuff or do I just suck as a human being. Can I not answer the phones and take messages? I did graduate from college. Shouldn't I have a better chance than others that didn't graduate college. That's why I went to college. To get ahead. These days it feels more like I'm giving it than getting it.

As your self worth decreases with every job application so do your standards for jobs. I started looking at some cool PR jobs and some Assistant jobs...you know, typical desk blue collar jobs. I ended up looking for warehouse jobs, security guard jobs, and, my all-time favorite, Male Gigolo jobs. I joke sometimes about turning tricks once I move to NYC...I should really stop joking.

I just went jogging...

whenever i get tired (usually halfway thru) I'll pull over and pretend my calf or knee was hurting....just like a pro. I do this so people that are lapping me don't think they're faster than me. Smug bastards.