Interviews: Drunk or Sober?

So, the economy still sucks and I'm still looking for work. This week I had the fortune of going on a few interviews. They were all awesome and I expect at least 2 offers by next week.

The first was for a wine tour company and sure enough the interviewer was drunk...i'm talking wasted-and-ready-to-go-home-with-someone drunk. Unfortunately, it was not with me...or maybe I was fortunate (the brooklyn accent was too much). She dropped my resume about twice as many times as she asked me where I was from (approx. 5), and then told me how much she loved my shoes (i wasn't wearing any). Part of the interview was singing karaoke and of course I picked my favorite: Air Supply "All Out Of Love". During the song she slow danced with me and attempted to stuff a dollar down my pants. Oh yeah, this was a group interview so the other 2 interviewees just sat and watched in embarrassment as their boss got drunk and fondled people (I'd say sexual harassment but I enjoyed it). Needless to say, I don't think I'd be able to get the job but it was a fun experience.

The second was for a real estate company in Midtown that seemed all too much. I was running a bit late and so started speed walking with an extra bounce in my step. When I got there I was a sweating mess not because I was worried about the interview but because I was walking and jogging. The fact I was sweating then made me nervous which then caused me to sweat more. I couldn't cool down not matter how much I tried. Then the 2 ladies I was interviewing with walked in in these skirts...and being the moron that I am I couldn't help but stair at their legs during the interview. Imagine a sweating dave staring at women's legs and trying to score a job. I got the feeling I had been caught. At some point I just realized how terrible it went and decided to just finish my questions early and let them go. My last words were "Do you ladies have business cards...thanks girls (once they handed them to me)...ok, I'll see you guys later"

That transition where the sexist pig came out in me...I slowly turned them from ladies, to girls, to guys...I was kicking myself the entire way out all while giggling like an idiot that I had been staring at their legs.

What did I learn I do great in interviews with drunk women but not so great with sober women. Somehow I need to get them drunk. Or better yet, I'll just get shit faced and see how that goes. At this point I just don't give a flying F#@%

Long Term work...or not.

i found this amazing job on craigslist. It's perfect for someone who wants a long term job but at the same time is just looking for something temporary. It's a trend that's growing with companies right now: Unobtrusive Hiring for fear of being too aggressive with potential hirers since the economy is doing so fucking well. It seems the recession is over.

"Welcome aboard, Stanley. Work is 9 to 5 Monday thru Friday...unless you don't want to come in...or maybe you've got other stuff to do....we're fine either way...oh yeah, it's $24 per hour"

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/ofc/1386587414.html

Long Term Temporary Administrative Assistants (New York, NY)

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Date: 2009-09-22, 10:01AM EDT
Reply to: ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

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Temporary Administrative Assistant

NY Office



IMMEDIATE NEED FOR LONG TERM TEMPORARY EXECUTIVE/ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANTS

Texan T-Bone: My Thoughts on Houston

It seem this economy is no one's friend. People are moving around to make finding work more effective...or more drunker. A friend recently moved to Houston and decided to give his thoughts on Houston in a new guest blog I'd like to call "Texan T-Bone"

My thoughts on Houston:

1. It rained harder here in one day than the worst weather I’ve ever seen in my life growing up in SoCal.
2. The waitresses give much better service than in CA. You are hard pressed to finish a beer before they have made sure that another one is on the way.
3. Short story…I went into a pretty large sports bar recently. Asked the manager to put the Dodger game on one of the TVs. There was a large table of about 8 dudes sitting behind me watching the Houston Texans PRESEASON game. This game was on about 8 TVs within eyeshot. Apparently, the small little TV that I took over was the one they liked. As I was wearing my SC hat, they put 2 and 2 together to figure out that the lone guy at the table drinking Fat Tire probably had the TV changed. They started talking shit about watching baseball, not directed at me, but loud enough to make sure I heard, you get the idea. Then they started talking smack about SC football, again, not at me, but just loud. Funniest thing…a few minutes later, they are getting drunker and now they are enjoying the baseball game and rehashing stories of playing childhood baseball. One of the guys was apparently a pretty good 5^th grade shortstop.
4. A note on that Fat Tire I was drinking…Drinking more expensive import beer at a bar out here is like wearing white sport socks in England, you will stick out. While they generally have a solid beer selection, most people are so darn proud to be from AMERICA – FUCK YEAH! that they stick to good ol’ Bud, Coors, or something, anything, brewed in TX.
5. Everyone born in the state of TX is proud of that fact.
6. People here really ARE nicer than those from CA. Until, that is, they find out you’re from CA.
7. Housing is way more affordable than LA. That is awesome.
8. I feel like the only one in this city that isn’t working.
9. My gym is awesome. And it’s almost always empty. Goes back to the fact that most people in Htown actually work for a living.
10. Being on Central time is a pain in the arse. You feel like a leper as TV promos always need to remind you that while the rest of the world gets the show at such and such a time, not for you fools! You shall watch Conan O’Brien early and it will make no sense to you at all.
11. Houston is not a walking town. Especially during the summer. It’s as important to have a car here than in LA. There are underground walking tunnels downtown because it’s so hot. That’s weird.
12. The locals complain about traffic. I laugh. Try any of the following freeways from 4-7pm: 405, 10, 101, 210, 91, 110, 5 and then get back to me. It’s great to be able to get about anywhere you need to go within a half hour.
13. And for lucky thought number 13…they need Trader Joe’s out here.

"Hi Mom" says the guy whose not getting laid EVER

This video made me think most of these fellows had futures in serial killing. Some were possibly the inspiration for the movie "40 Year Old Virgin". Either way, it's abosolutely hilarious. The amount of funny quotes will make you're brain explode.

Dating Montage
by smithy00101

Maybe for $500

While looking for work on craigslist I stumbled on this...im telling you good work is hard to find.

Worlds Oldest Person Dies: World's Second Oldest Person Celebrates!

It was discovered this morning that Johanas Magdellan, the World's Oldest Person, died at the age of 113. Upon the news Chappy McGoo, the Worlds Second Oldest Person now the Worlds Oldest Person, celebrated by blinking his eyes twice. When asked what he was going to do with his new crowned title Chappy responded by blinking 2 times taking a quick nap then blinking 2 more times. According to his bed side nurse, Janice Decking, that is the most excited he's been since 2008 when he moved up to second oldest person alive.

Tune in next week when we talk to Norma Clatcshke the new Worlds Second Oldest Person...possibly the new title holder. (note: the picture on the left is Stan Beasley who is ranked 556th but confirms he has a plan to move himself into the top 50 by November)

Do The Hitler!

This is by far one of the strangest videos I've ever seen (NSFW). It's basically an anti-aids/pro-condom ad from germany. The strange thing was I was mildly, if not completely (it's hard to tell these days), aroused.

It appears the sex catch phrase "the Hitler" may catch on a lot sooner than expected.

Doogie Howser moment: Pride vs. Karma

It's a funny thing about pride that when you think you're above it something happens that makes you realize you're never above anything. In the end I'd like to beat the crap out of Pride and Karma.

Watch Out Bad Guys...Seagal Is Coming

I just saw this and this DOES look amazing. I know what I'm doing this december, do you?

Some Movie about Stuff

I can't speak for this movie but the last line of the trailer (starting @ 2:28) is pretty hilarious. I think it might be Horatio Sanz, from SNL, who lost some weight...ok, lots of it. good for him but I'm pretty sure his manager begged him to stay fat...fat is funny. thin is boring.

Doggie Torture: It's worse than you thought

what kind of sick animal would let their dog go through this torture. Sure, you thought it was cute for the first 15 seconds but at what point do you think "i wonder if this is the same kind of shit Hitler or Damer did with their french bulldog." Probably not because last time I checked they didn't torture any animals! Michael Vick looks like a florist next to this jerk.

It appears there's been a string of these cute puppy videos polluting the internet for quite some time. However, the culprit is still at large due to an unbreakable code of communication. This code language is all over the videos description and title. I hope these sick little fuckers are brought to justice.

yo, but seriously, Isn't it really cute for the first 15 secs (no homo!). What a dumb dog! Of course he's french, they love rolling over on their backs (stephane, i apologize). Normally it doesn't last 59 secs...it's usally for about 50 years and counting (again, i apologize but only to Stephane). Really cute.

No dice on the open mic

I tried performing at 3 open mics tonight. let's just say my lucks run out. I was on my way to the first and could not figure out how to get there. After making about 3 circles around union square I figured it was too late but not before I fucked with someone's game of quarters. I caused some dude to lose some money is all I can tell. I thought I was stopping a quarter from rolling and it turned out that was not a good thing.

The second one I was able to call ahead and as it turned out was cancelled for the night. So i saved myself the trip.

The third, I trekked all the way to 33rd and 5th only to get there and realize it had also been cancelled but since they had no contact info I found out the hard way.

This town is drier than a 104 yr old woman.

I can only say that I got a nice walk out of it. I hope tomorrow night is better. I really would like to make people NOT laugh. It would be a dream.

Animals cameras more important than AIDs

This is some really wierd, interesting, boring shit. It's small video cameras that were mounted on the back of various animals by the Museum of Animal Perspectives (MAP's...So that's what the Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs were screaming about in there song). The most worthless one is the house fly cam. It lasts a whole 7 seconds and the fly moves a good 3 inches.

What I can't understand is how this camera is small enough to fit on the back of a fly yet we still can't seem to create a phone that beats the crap out of the IPhone. Or maybe someday we can just focus on curing something important like AIDs or that thing that causes yellow armpit stains on your shirts, it's really fucking with my wardrobe. I guess for now these critters and their little cameras are a just a tad more important than some dude with aids, unless you're Magic Johnson.

Btw, this armidillo one is pretty neat too. Oh, and to answer your earlier question 'yes, i'm unemployed'

note: Magic Johnson has HIV not AIDs but I was trying to prove a point; Armpit stains are more important than AIDs and animal cameras are waay more important than either AIDs or pit stains.

My thoughts, observations, and experiences of NYC

Here are my thoughts, experiences, and observations of the big apple (that's New York City)

1. New York is huge. I thought downtown LA was urban...that's like saying Brad Pitt is the hottest looking guy on the planet and then seeing a picture of me...you never knew such beauty existed.
2. The subways are incredible, very hot while waiting, nice and cool once inside, don't stare at anyone for longer than 1/2 a second, always just stare at the ground or the posters, and know where you are going but don't be afraid to ask (people aren't that mean).
3. My suitcase burst open on the subway my first week here. I was couch surfing and was switching to a friends place in East Village (Thank you, Matt!) so I had to take the train into the city. It was hot, i was lugging this thing around, and just as the train pulled up it burst open. I was a mess, sweating my ass off in embarrassment. Thankfully some dude (def native new yorker) was nice enough to help me load it onto the train so as not to miss the train.
4. Space is king but so is location. You have to sacrifice one for the other...or if you're lucky (like i think my roommate and i got) you can have a little bit from each world.
5. There are taxi's, there are unmarked cars, and then there are "unmarked cars"...the latter is shady and you should stay away. Prices will always vary and you should now how to get to a place before you get taken for a ride but that only matters on a taxi since the other 2 are usually flat prices. You negotiate before you get in the cab. like, "how much to get to broadway and marcy...$895.00? Go fuck yourself" (no exclamation point because you say it nicely).
6. There are tons, and i mean tons of mexican restaurants....they all suck. Taco Bites in Brooklyn on S. 4th and Rodney is amazing and reasonable. It's not very popular but some group of friends out here are trying to promote the shit out of it. We sat and enjoyed some cervezas, tacos, and live mariachi last week on Friday night that attracted enough people to completely fill the place. it was nice.
7. Brooklyn is cheaper than the city. If you try hard enough you can definitely spend $10 and get completely shit faced. The Metal Bar in Greenpoint (Brooklyn) is a perfect example with there $1.50 beers.
   
8. Don't look up while you walk around it makes you look like a tourist (so i've been told but im too busy looking up).
9. Walk confidently...like you know where you're going. Be ready to truck people over if they are in your way.
10. J-walking is totally legal and totally awesome. just make sure you look both ways...really you only need to look one way since there are tons of one way streets but its just natural as non-native to look both ways.
11. Williamsburg is hispter haven. It feels like being in San Francisco when the hippes took over...the scene is just everywhere. Mass amounts of people dressed like morons.
12. Hipsters don't sweat that would be so main stream to sweat. I totally sweat and fucking hate them for not sweating. you smug assholes!
13. Dominican and Puerto Rican spanish is way different and hard to understand. It's got a slang and speed to it that doesn't allow me to comprehend.
14. Italian women from italy don't shave their armpits. i was at rooftop party in brooklyn the other night and this italian bird kept putting up her hair (on her head) completely exposing her armpit hair...the weird thing is I may have been mildly into it and then I punched myself in the nuts.
15. Only people that are interviewing for jobs wear suits on Friday during the summer. Makes you think if all companies got together and decided to have their interviews on Friday to make us look like monkeys.
16. A lot of companies have "Summer Fridays" which means people leave work on Friday's at 3 or 4pm only until Sept. 4th.
17. Cigarettes are expensive. 9 to 10 bucks.
18. Don't order an Arnold Palmer. You sound like a prick. especiallly after you explain it to the server and they still don't get you. Just order a orange soda and shut the fuck up. ok?
19. According to the lady that fucked up my breakfast order twice (ordered: egg whites w/ wheat toast. got: reg eggs w/ white toast. ordered: egg bagel w/ turkey bacon. got: egg bagel w/ ham) dominicans are to haircutting what kenyans are to running. I asked the cute girl at the counter where I can get a haircut, assuming she would recommend a place in williamsburg, she recommended we ask the kitchen lady who then suggested the guys across the street. When I asked if they would butcher my hair her response was priceless: "They're dominicans...". She said it in such a are-you-kidding-me-they-cut-the-best-hair tone.
20. Dry cleaning lingo: "Ready on Wed at 5pm" translation "Ready on Friday 2 hours after you come in to let us know you want your clothes"
21. If you're hanging out in the city for happy hour the standard dress code for men is a button-up dress shirt. Anything less is uncivilized.
22. Carry an umbrella if you think it's gonna rain.
23. I went to an open mic the other day just to check out the scene. I went to the little boys room and when i got back i had basically missed 8 minutes of a cute blondie standing up on stage with her boobs out. I'm such an idiot. thanks bladder.
24. I have not done comedy but that's only because I've been too worried about jobs and find a place. once that's settled i'll treat myself. I plan on doing a couple this week since I'm close to getting work. I'll keep you posted
25. Pizza is awesome. especially the Sicilian slices.
26. Chinese food so far has been for shit. i need to go to chinatown.
27. Cuban/Dominican food is bomb.
28. Tap water is good.
29. Jogging is a good way to get in the view. Just run around and explore.
30. Partying till 4am is fun up until you wake up the next morning.

Tips For Landing a Job

Over the last month...ok, for the last 2 years...ARE YOU HAPPY!?!?!?! I'VE BEEN TRYING TO FIND WORK FOR 2 GOD DAMN YEARS!!! GIMME A BREAK!!!

Over the last couple of years I, David "the Steamboat" Single, have been trying to find work in a facet of the "working" world that will have me and my "skills." These skills include things such as opening beer bottles with lighters, pounding shots of tequila, blowing cigarette smoke out of my nose, french inhaling, sweating like there's no tomorrow, hiding food in my beard, being uber-confident at beer pong all the while sucking immensely, and an assortment of other fine qualities being undervalued in this recession.

Needless to say it's been a difficult couple of years. I've cried so many times my neighbors thought I was woman...an abused woman. But this is no time to get down in the dumps. The light is just around the tunnel and there are few things that I've learned while on this jobless job hunt in the driest of dries. Here are some key points that will most certainly be of service if and when you need to find work:

1)Look everywhere and beyond. Websites and job sites are overrated. Try looking the unconventional ways; corner stores, drug dealers, local crack addicts, bar tenders, subways, school yards, etc. You never know where the next buck may lay. I was recently offered a job as a drug delivery man simply because I bought a boulder (for you squares that means $20 worth of crack. Don't worry I'm kinda a square too...I actually had to ask the dealer what it was).

2) Interviewers will ask the dumbest questions so be ready for them here's a list of them and how NOT to answer them:

• Tell me about yourself - Well, I'm 27 and have lived at home for most of my life. I wet the bed till I was 16 so that's probably why I have low self esteem when it comes to satisfying women. I've been arrested more times than you can count. I guess you can say I'm an over achiever. I usually sleep in till about noon but sometimes I go till 3 if it's been a rough night of partying. If given the opportunity to come abroad...oh snaps, i said "come a broad"...yeah, so hire me. I'm a changed man
• What are 3 of your weaknesses - (this is the curve ball since most people ask for your strengths) Well, since I'm an over achiever I'll tell you have I have more than 3 weaknesses. I'm lazy, a bad speller, really unorganized when it comes to finances and paper work, have a weakness for brunettes...and blondes, asians, red heads, and sometimes gingers, alcohol is my best friend and my worst enemy, I once binged for 83 hours straight...ALL WHILE AT WORK, and I have this odor problem but that's mostly when I fart.
• I see you've jumped around a lot, explain: Well, you see I hated most of my jobs for obvious reasons. The most important being that I hate work but you guys seem to have a lot of money so I might work hard enough to go unnoticed. So I'll pretty much leave it at that.
• So you said you have attention to detail but I noticed there was an error on your resume, explain: Oh yeah, that was a result of ...FUCK, IT WAS ONE MISTAKE. YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU DON'T MAKE MISTAKES!?!?! can you call my mom to pick me up. I'm tired and I think I need some clean pants.

Now that we've established what not to do here is a list of things TO do:

lie. lie through your gums. lie through the whites of your eyes. lie through the whites of your nails. tell them you know MS, PC, MAC, STD's, HIV, C++, ACT, BVD, DVR, QVC, TBS, MSNBC, FTP, AVD, and any other ABC's you've heard. But whatever you do NOT tell them about that time in Cancun where the girl said she wanted it in the pool but then said the opposite in the courthouse. just lie. And if you don't pass their little test then you probably fucked up somewhere. Because lying gets you everywhere in this world.

good luck with the job hunt and remember a motto to live by "if you tell the truth...make sure it's someone else's truth and not yours"

I'm off to go harpooning whales with some friend on our yacht made of gold encrusted diamond dolphin vagina. Au Revoir!

work, tricks...same difference

These past couple of days I've spent some time looking for jobs in NYC since I'm moving there in a couple of weeks. It's a bit frustrating at times because I have no real skills that jump out and beat the crap out of other candidates. I mean there was the one time I beat up 10 bodybuilders for staring at my girlfriend but that's not really a skill as much as it is adrenaline...and a lie. You start asking yourself am I really good at stuff or do I just suck as a human being. Can I not answer the phones and take messages? I did graduate from college. Shouldn't I have a better chance than others that didn't graduate college. That's why I went to college. To get ahead. These days it feels more like I'm giving it than getting it.

As your self worth decreases with every job application so do your standards for jobs. I started looking at some cool PR jobs and some Assistant jobs...you know, typical desk blue collar jobs. I ended up looking for warehouse jobs, security guard jobs, and, my all-time favorite, Male Gigolo jobs. I joke sometimes about turning tricks once I move to NYC...I should really stop joking.

I just went jogging...

whenever i get tired (usually halfway thru) I'll pull over and pretend my calf or knee was hurting....just like a pro. I do this so people that are lapping me don't think they're faster than me. Smug bastards.

thanks, GUY!

Last night I stopped by the Red Lion in SilverLake. It's always a treat when I go here...I've been in this neighborhood for about 10 years and have celebrated numerous birthdays, smoked thousands of cigarettes, pounded hundreds of hef's, slapped many a' asses (not really - for legal reasons i must deny). 

But this blog is not about the good times had, the asses that were or were not slapped, nor is it about the fight i once got into with the piano player and manager...this blog is about the all mighty dollar. I'm pissed that after drinking 3 beers at a table of 15 people or so I ended up having to pay $100 buckaroos. It was a case of the old order-with-the-party-and-hope-they-don't-ask-me-to-pitch-in asshole syndrome going on.

I wouldn't normally be upset because, after all, I am a bizillionaire and i shit gold cakes on request (sometimes gold muffins)...but i'm trying to save money for NYC.  Why is it there are these $$#%@%$%^&@! (MUTHAFUCKIN ASSHOLES) that pull this kinda shit. Do they not believe in karma? do they not know Santa is watching? Were they raised by Wolves? I can't be too upset since this is something I pulled constantly in my 20s (im still in my 20s...so when in rome) but whAT THE FUCK, MAN! if you're gonna pull shit like that then just sit in the car and pound a 6-pack or better yet drink a bottle of Jack and walk in with a gun and a sombrero...i mean you might as well dress like a cowboy if you're gonna act like a cowboy (i heard they're dicks). I don't know where that came from. 

The point im trying to get at is someone owes me $82.50. I figured that's the extra I threw in for someone else's drinks. So if you can spare some change...please drop it in the can.

On a side note, I did run into a lot of friends that I hadn't seen in quite some time and that's not something you can put a price tag on....except the price for me was $82.50... so, yeah, you can put a price tag on it, assholes!

You mean I'm not at Don Brazilios?!

I'm waiting for a family to punch the marketing idiots behind the whole  "SURPRISE-you're-not-at-an-italian-restaurant-it's-just-pizza-hut" commerical idea.  I understand that they're trying to tell us the food is soo good people would think its from an italian restaurant but here's the thing Pizza Hut...if you told me you were taking me to lick butts at an underground S&M sex dungeon in San Francisco on the corner of Market and 23rd called Don Brazilios (totally hypothetical situation), and then while i was in the process of licking a butt (mind you im doing all of this blindfolded) you asked me where i thought i was licking a butt at...I'd probably say Don Brazilios. I'd be surprised to find out that you put me in a limo and took me back home to lick butts. 

The point I'm tyring to make is this: at no point did I say "wow, this is the best butt i've licked" or "yum, corn...interesting kick"...i simply thought i was at one place and it turned out I was not.  My other point..hopefully no one reads this because i'm grossing myself out. Last but not least, Pizza Hut...STOP IT! It's annoying. You're like my little brother (if i had one) that keeps trying to wrestle with you when you know you can just punch him in the nuts real quick but then he'll probably run crying to mom.

Red Dragon you're my only friend! If I could birth your children we'd have little brown dragons running around...you know, cuz im mexican.

So i recently found out I was NOT a contestant winner for a free phone and 6 month subscription. Instead I'm going to blog about my POS phone. It's awesome. Just last night it turned off on me 4 times. It was pretty sweet the way I have to start my textmsgs over and over bc my phone keeps turning off. I'm just amazed. Sure I've dropped it numerous times...Sure it's about 3 years old...Sure, no one's reading this....But it's my fight against the man. I'm going to start a site that unites people with terrible phones all over the world...a place to vent cell phone incidents...it turns off when you close it, it turns off when you text, it tried to eat you...you, know, you're standard cell phone gossip column. I'll be back.

Welcome to my world. I'm going to try my best to show exactly how it is this big head of mine works. The wheels don't always crank but that doesn't mean it's not working.